Relatives by chance, family by choice.

God puts us on this Earth in the care of individuals to raise and nurture us.  Some of us have the blessing of being entrusted to a family who is deeply rooted in faith, values, and ethics.  While there are others who struggle to make heads or tails of values, challenge the very fabric of society and even wrestle daily with what moral value system they have.

I have been extremely blessed to have a father and mother who love me deeply.  As all young adults do, I at one time question there true love for me.  With my Christian upbringing, I now realize that all that questioning was simply Satan doing what he does best - steal, kill and destroy.  In time he will prove unsuccessful.  Time and time again my parents have stuck by me, even in all the "dumb" that I have done.

When I began creating my own family...even in all the brokenness, they stood by me.  Yes, it was at a distance and in quiet patience, but they were there doing what they believe to be best.  They knew in their heart of hearts that who I was with was not right for me.  They knew that I was not "whole" myself.  Battling situational depression, low self esteem, just coming out of a previously failed engagement...I was rebounding for all the wrong reasons and now, two years after marriage we were beginning to bring children in this devastated marriage.  A child wasn't going to fix any of it.  Yet there there they were; grandparents/parents who were praying, watching and waiting.  While I slipped further away.

I allowed my brokenness to be filled in by a someone.  I selfishly chose him.  I chose to remain with him, given it was for all the wrong reasons.  We had chosen to create a family that would eventually be drug down with us.  God didn't bless me with him.  God, in all this, took a back seat - excuse me, I forced Him in the back seat.  And there I would force Him to stay for nine long years.  Only to show up on special occasions or in times of trouble.  In 2003, He made His way to the drivers seat.  He revealed to me in one "chance" phone call with my sister what family really means.  All that time I had allowed my life to be guarded and concealed.  I allowed myself to give up control to a someone, rather than God.  I discovered that my family of chance was giving me a choice.  They got in my face when I was wrong.  They listened, they responded, they loved me no matter what.  They called my mistakes to the mat and walked with me as I course corrected.  I had to cut the ties with the someone in order to become the somebody I was created to be.  I chose a better family - the family of God and the one HE placed me in not one I selfishly created for myself.

Loose chains.

As I listened to Focus on the Family this morning, something that was said touched my heart in a deep way. The main speaker, Tammy Daughtry, said in conversation she referred to her former husband as “my daughter’s father” instead of “my ex”. I thought about this on my drive in to work. “My Ex”. What title am I giving him? If I said this in front of the kids, what emotion or thought would that reflect to them? What “life or death” are my words putting on both him and worse of all me? I rolled it over and over for several minutes, “my ex”. Ex…that speaks so much failure. Years of failure, regret, hurt, scars, emotional damage…I could go on and on. EX, screamed in my ears, heart and soul that I had failed.

Then I looked at the other part of her statement, “my daughter’s father”. This too, I pondered over. God has released me from that broken-ness of marriage. He has released me from that failure, hurt, and emotional damage. HE is healing and redeeming me. I have begun to come to the place of “my son’s father” & “my daughter’s father”. It doesn’t matter where their father is in his journey, but I am growing to a place of new-ness. I am now at a place of respect for myself and understanding, forgiveness (daily), grace and mercy for the father. 

This isn’t just a snap the fingers, presto, I have arrived. This is a journey, step by step. God doesn’t light the whole path ahead. He illuminates each individual step and provides friends, books, family, counselors, and classes to nurture me through it. The constants are remaining in His Word, in prayer and knowing I am not alone. Neither are you. You can heal, you can grow from this. You are better than this hurt you feel or have held on to. You are greater than being “the ex”. Don’t live under that defeat. You don't have to.